Lies Parents Tell Themselves Before Children

“We’re never going to sit in a restaurant while our children scream”

“We will never ever bribe our children”

“My children will never have snotty noses, where are all the tissues?”

“Our children will never be that naughty”

“If our kids cry like that, we’ll leave the store IMMEDIATELY”

“We’ll never let our children sleep with us”

“Our kids clothes will always match”

“I am absolutely going to have a natural childbirth” (Major props to you that do!!!)

“I will never quote my mother”

“Our house will never look like that”

“Our kids will never have that many toys”

“Our baby will sleep through the night, and if she/he doesn’t they can just cry themselves to sleep”

“We can do all the things we did before with kids”

“Our kids won’t fight like that”

and the list goes on and on and on…I mean it this could be like a 10 parter!

It’s like from the moment you recognize that you want to or will have children, you start mounting this little righteous front about how you will be a superb parent. Most likely setting yourself up for complete failure. Maybe you are the supermom who can do it all but if you’ve never bribed your child in a moment of weakness/emergency or forgotten to swipe the permanently dripping green snot off their nose in a sleep induced coma after two weeks of circulating the flu around your house, I will be amazed and perhaps inspired to reach a new level of mothersainthood, that even the church doesn’t recognize.

So we tell ourselves these little lies and they build up into this attitude. Then we have children and we become completely fucking unglued. That’s okay though, as long as we can bend, stretch, flex, adjust and grow in our attitude towards parenthood we’ll be okay. The biggest thing is to not be too much of a critic on yourself. If you bribe your child the moment you walk into Target, 4 days a week, you’ve got a problem. If you pull it out occasionally in times of emergency or just to retain your sanity (as long as your sanity doesn’t require it 4 days a week) so what. If your toddler spent the better part of her first 1.5 years sleeping with you, I’m sure there was a reason, we sure had ours. It’s not like most people take a perfect crib sleeper and toss them in their bed for funsies. So don’t get down on yourself if you told a few lies before this whole adventure began. Look back on them, recognize them and laugh at them.

And remember, I’m only writing this post so I can feel better about myself, not make you feel worse, no judgment over here. What’s the best lie you told yourself before kids?

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A Letter to Today’s Youth

Dear Today’s Youth,

Stop growing up so fast. Do you really have any idea what’s in store for you? Today, my 3-year-old told me that he wanted to grow up so that he could go to work. My response? “No, you absolutely do not, enjoy this time to play” We’ve always advocated play and fought the good fight against the media, technology companies, Disney and retail stores like Justice and Abercrombie and Fitch kids divisions who keep trying to turn children into miniature adults. Children these days have so many different devices from the time they can hold them on, that it’s amazing they can see straight. There are actually toys designed to hold Mommy and Daddy’s iPhones for use by a 1-year-old or less.  But do they seem any happier or better for it? What is the benefit of growing up from a teen or preteen’s perspective? I remember thinking that growing up was synonymous with freedom, and that no one would be dictating what I did so naturally I would always be happy and entertained. Really, life would be good. What these mini adults fail to realize is that adulthood comes with its own new set of challenges. Competition never goes away, that popularity contest that exists in middle school and high school, simply transitions to college and then the job market. There is no point when everyone on the planet suddenly becomes on equal footing, a high school nerd is rarely transformed into Cinderella upon entrance into college. That’s not to say that she can’t find new friends, increase her support group and perhaps avoid past bullies. Then there’s the fact that at some point the near majority of individual’s parents will eventually stop bank rolling their lives. Hence your fabulous new ability to choose to do whatever you want, hopefully within legal limits, is again limited by your financial situation. This situation often doesn’t improve anytime in your young adult immediate future. Most of those fortunate to go to college leave school strapped with debt and fighting fiercely for a job that will pay the bills. Eventually, you get married and you have children, often not much more financially well off, now your responsible for another human being, maybe multiple. That tiny little baby depends on you 24/7. So while you are still “in charge” and able to make all of your decisions, those decisions are dictated by new responsibilities. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but why on earth does a 13-year-old think she wants to grow up. Enjoy having summers off, sleeping in, not having any responsibilities to dictate your days, read, go to movies, sit by the pool, take a nap, because while you continuously nag about having nothing to do, I assure you that any one of us young adults would happily trade places with you for a day.

Then, just maybe, you would realize how silly that mini skirt looks, and enjoy the fact that you have nothing to do on a random Wednesday afternoon in June.

All my Love,

Your future self.

 

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Don’t Blame the Cook

Pippa is a terrible sleeper although admittedly she’s getting better, I mean finally at 20 freaking months, we once again get to sleep almost through the night. Oddly though as an infant she was narcoleptic, she could be screaming her face off one second and then bam she would be utterly asleep. Naturally it never transitioned into her sleeping at night, but she would still randomly, during the day, go into total shutdown survival mode sleep. At one point I researched how early one could be diagnosed with narcolepsy. Not as a baby. She’s mostly grown out of it, except for this one habit of hers… I swear, don’t blame the cook.