Tag Archives: Baby Humor

Lies Parents Tell Themselves Before Children

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“We’re never going to sit in a restaurant while our children scream”

“We will never ever bribe our children”

“My children will never have snotty noses, where are all the tissues?”

“Our children will never be that naughty”

“If our kids cry like that, we’ll leave the store IMMEDIATELY”

“We’ll never let our children sleep with us”

“Our kids clothes will always match”

“I am absolutely going to have a natural childbirth” (Major props to you that do!!!)

“I will never quote my mother”

“Our house will never look like that”

“Our kids will never have that many toys”

“Our baby will sleep through the night, and if she/he doesn’t they can just cry themselves to sleep”

“We can do all the things we did before with kids”

“Our kids won’t fight like that”

and the list goes on and on and on…I mean it this could be like a 10 parter!

It’s like from the moment you recognize that you want to or will have children, you start mounting this little righteous front about how you will be a superb parent. Most likely setting yourself up for complete failure. Maybe you are the supermom who can do it all but if you’ve never bribed your child in a moment of weakness/emergency or forgotten to swipe the permanently dripping green snot off their nose in a sleep induced coma after two weeks of circulating the flu around your house, I will be amazed and perhaps inspired to reach a new level of mothersainthood, that even the church doesn’t recognize.

So we tell ourselves these little lies and they build up into this attitude. Then we have children and we become completely fucking unglued. That’s okay though, as long as we can bend, stretch, flex, adjust and grow in our attitude towards parenthood we’ll be okay. The biggest thing is to not be too much of a critic on yourself. If you bribe your child the moment you walk into Target, 4 days a week, you’ve got a problem. If you pull it out occasionally in times of emergency or just to retain your sanity (as long as your sanity doesn’t require it 4 days a week) so what. If your toddler spent the better part of her first 1.5 years sleeping with you, I’m sure there was a reason, we sure had ours. It’s not like most people take a perfect crib sleeper and toss them in their bed for funsies. So don’t get down on yourself if you told a few lies before this whole adventure began. Look back on them, recognize them and laugh at them.

And remember, I’m only writing this post so I can feel better about myself, not make you feel worse, no judgment over here. What’s the best lie you told yourself before kids?

Don’t Blame the Cook

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Pippa is a terrible sleeper although admittedly she’s getting better, I mean finally at 20 freaking months, we once again get to sleep almost through the night. Oddly though as an infant she was narcoleptic, she could be screaming her face off one second and then bam she would be utterly asleep. Naturally it never transitioned into her sleeping at night, but she would still randomly, during the day, go into total shutdown survival mode sleep. At one point I researched how early one could be diagnosed with narcolepsy. Not as a baby. She’s mostly grown out of it, except for this one habit of hers… I swear, don’t blame the cook.

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Thanks for Taking Care of my Poop Day!

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There seems to be a lot of talk about whether or not Mother’s Day and Father’s Day should be celebrated. Some say they’re just another Hallmark holiday, some say why do we celebrate Mother’s day when there are so many shitty mothers out there, others argue that we don’t actually get these days off and therefore it really isn’t a celebration (there’s some truth to this one but it isn’t the point I want to argue here) and so on. With respect to the first two, I concede Hallmark makes a fair amount of money off these holidays and well there are a lot of shitty mothers out there, perhaps their children shouldn’t buy them a card, but alas I know it isn’t that simple.

However, I have a proposition, instead of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day lets have “Thanks for taking care of my Poop until I was able to do it myself Day! Because before becoming a parent and therefore earning one of the aforementioned holidays, I knew a fairly reasonable amount about kids, had done a lot of kid watching and assisting child rearing, but what I didn’t know and hadn’t had to deal with was a whole lot of SH$T, LITERALLY! My knowledge of poop has grown exponentially since I became a mother.

I have learned acceptable colors for poop, acceptable consistencies for poop, what certain foods look like in poop, which foods affect the color and consistency of poop and the frequency of which one should or should not poop, and how certain medicines affect poop. This is a whole lot of information for someone who didn’t even like to admit that she did poop. In addition to all this, I have been pooped on directly, stepped in pooped, had the shower that I was in pooped in, cleaned poop out or off of the bathtub, bedding, car seat, and floor, routinely washed poop (although admittedly I do this willingly with cloth diapers), generally spend an average of close to an hour dealing with other people’s poop on any given day and on more than one occasion have come far too close to almost eating poop.

So again lets not fight over whether a Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is necessary or deserved or whatever, because regardless of how shitty your parents are/were, no pun intended, someone dealt with your poop until you could. So again I propose:

Thanks for taking care of my Poop until I was able to do it myself Day! 

and you can thank whoever it is that you need to thank, because unless we were raised in a pack of wolves, we all have someone probably lots of people we should thank. No gifts necessary just a really nice Thank You and finding someone else to deal with your poop for a day would do.

I can’t even begin to imagine the greeting cards that would come with this day…

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